Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
