On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
