If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
