OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
