Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
its liver damage thursday
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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