did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
