you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
