i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
