Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
