i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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