I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
