I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
