She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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