I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
