If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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