That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
