Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think your dad took our porno
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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