Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
