Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
