I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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