Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
