Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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