I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
