Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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