Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
