Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
