Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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