he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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