Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
