3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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