I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
