who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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