I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
