Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Its about making memories worth repressing
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
