Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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