I only kidnapped one of them. chill
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
did you just send me my own nude
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
