i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
