Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
