this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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