I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I pour the whiskey from now on
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
