Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
