Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
