A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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