theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
