Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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