Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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