just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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