Don't make out with my wife yet
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
