I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
