Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
