I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
