Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
