So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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